{"id":15566,"date":"2024-09-03T12:00:21","date_gmt":"2024-09-03T18:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/buildinghopesummit.org\/?p=15566"},"modified":"2024-10-01T11:04:04","modified_gmt":"2024-10-01T17:04:04","slug":"mydarkandheavyblanket","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/buildinghopesummit.org\/es\/mydarkandheavyblanket\/","title":{"rendered":"Mi manta oscura y pesada"},"content":{"rendered":"

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***Trigger Warning*** The following content contains suicidal ideation, self-harm, trauma, and graphic details. Please read with caution.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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The first time I remember having thoughts of suicide I was around 12 years old, a quiet and shy middle-schooler who liked mountain biking, basketball, running, reading, and being outside. I recall a dark feeling showing up seemingly out of nowhere, slowly but fiercely taking over my body and consuming me inch by inch. I was confused, embarrassed, and severely lonely with <\/span>what felt like a <\/span>dark and heavy blanket wrapped around me. What was happening to me<\/span>? W<\/span>hy did no one else seem to feel this way? I can\u2019t recall any conversations at school or home about mental health, just a <\/span>shameful stigma that something was wrong with me. I began to cope in unhealthy ways, cutting myself and transitioning my pain to other parts of my body while keeping my emotions buried down deep for no one to see.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The self-harming persisted after I realized my secrets were becoming too hard to hide, bringing up too many questions that I didn\u2019t have the answers for. I continued to find joy in the outdoors and other areas, but I also accepted the reality that this dark <\/span>and heavy<\/span> blanket was always close by, ready to consume me at anytime without any notice. <\/span>In an effort to escape the dark and heavy blanket, I started to wonder how death might feel<\/span>. I longed for a feeling of finality and peace, in a place with no pain.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

As I grew older, life offered me highs and lows\u2013<\/span>moving to the mountains and s<\/span>tarting my own small business, while simultaneously offering me challenges like a toxic relationship and a traumatic brain injury (TBI) from a snowboarding accident. I found different ways to hide the darkness in my life created by these things, distracting myself or masking the underlying feelings with other forms of obscurity, forever trapping myself in the top layer of these issues. I explored different ways to feel numb while never truly removing my dark blanket.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/buildinghopesummit.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/Meditation-March-BH-logo.png&#8221<\/a>; alt=”Building Hope Team” title_text=”Meditation March BH logo” _builder_version=”4.27.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.20.2″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.16″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”]<\/p>\n

My most severe suicide attempt came during an argument with an ex-boyfriend. I say this loosely because at this moment I never once remember thinking \u201cI want to die.\u201d I have no recollection of the actual argument, just an intense feeling of heartache, hopelessness, and desperation to remove myself from the situation.<\/strong> I deeply wanted to make a point and be heard in an unhealthy situation, but in a moment of impulsivity, I grabbed a knife off the counter and deeply cut into my wrist. While it\u2019s true I had an affinity for cutting in the past, the knife happened to be the closest thing to me at that moment that could cause me pain. I ended up at the hospital after losing quite a bit of blood, received stitches, and returned home. I was embarrassed, ashamed, <\/span>and<\/span> full of regret, <\/span>but at the same time I also had a clear internal message: \u201cI deserve so much better than this.\u201d<\/span> I often think of an alternative outcome where a loaded firearm lay within my reach at that moment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

With time, I wanted to learn more about my dark and heavy blanket, and its origin<\/span>. I began to learn the terms for the emotions I was feeling like depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I started to name the traumas I had experienced and slowly unburied those memories. I <\/span>learned<\/span> healthy coping mechanisms like breathwork, balanced <\/span>routines, self-care<\/span>, and enrolled in talk therapy. Over time, I began to understand that a mix of genetics, teenage hormones, masked trauma, ignorance, and a negative stigma around mental health assisted in my youthful suicidal ideation. I also began to realize that these challenges didn\u2019t define me, and that I was wrong <\/span>when I was first wrapped in my dark and heavy blanket<\/span>: I was not alone. I was not the only person feeling this way or dealing with challenging life situations. There were other people around me fighting in their own personal battles.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I began to work with Building Hope as the Project Writer and Community Wellness Coordinator, focusing on suicide prevention programming, stigma reduction, and community education. I felt a strong desire to offer the youth of summit county a safe place to express their emotions and ask for help in a way that wasn\u2019t available when I was growing up, provide compassion to community members after a suicide loss, and encourage hope to those with suicidal thoughts while destigmatizing mental health struggles. Unfortunately, my own battle with suicidal ideation would soon return, making me feel like a fraud and proving I was still broken.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_image src=”https:\/\/buildinghopesummit.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Therapy-2-With-BH-Logo-600x-800-2.png&#8221<\/a>; alt=”Shawn and Jen McAtamney” title_text=”Therapy #2 With BH Logo 600x 800 (2)” _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ _builder_version=”4.22.0″ _module_preset=”default” global_colors_info=”{}”][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.27.0″ _module_preset=”default” hover_enabled=”0″ global_colors_info=”{}” sticky_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n

The last time I remember having thoughts of suicide was just over 2 years ago, a quiet and shy 39-year-old who still enjoyed the outdoors and reading. A self-proclaimed adult snowboard bum, I had been dealing with the long-term side effects from a traumatic brain injury (TBI) and post-concussion syndrome for many years.\u00a0 After a particularly hard setback, I lay in bed for days with sharp pains consuming my head and the world spinning around me while I fought a vertigo spell. I was unable to function, work, or participate in the activities that usually put a smile on my face. During the worst and darkest moments of this TBI curse, I confided to my partner, \u201cI\u2019m not sure how much longer I can live like this.\u201d\u00a0 While I don\u2019t recall a strong desire to die, I felt a powerful desperation for the pain and suffering to stop permanently.<\/strong> My dark <\/span>and heavy <\/span>blanket was back and holding me tight again.<\/span><\/p>\n

While this last episode with suicidal thoughts brought on many feelings like fear and hopelessness, I also felt prepared with the tools to maneuver <\/span>out from under the dark and heavy blanket<\/span>.\u00a0 I spoke to my therapist and my partner with honesty, accepting outside support and assistance in a way I never had before. I assessed my safety and learned the difference between having suicidal ideation and having a plan in place ready to implement. And with time I slowly came out of the darkness and began to focus on the positives, bringing the light back into my life.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sharing the darkest parts of yourself is not easy. <\/span>It adds discomfort in what is already challenging<\/span>. I find myself preparing for more feelings of shame and the questions from friends and family who I love dearly and always tried their best. The reality that certain parts of me that I have long kept buried will <\/span>resurface<\/span> is terrifying. However, these traumas, events, and feelings also do not define me, they are merely a part of my journey. And in a way, it feels like exactly what I signed up for when I began my work in Suicide Prevention.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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I can\u2019t say that I am truly healed<\/span> (do we ever \u201cfinish\u201d healing?) <\/span>or that my suicidal ideation is gone for good. <\/span>With time\u00a0 I\u2019ve learned helpful and healthy methods to cope when I feel the weight of the dark and heavy blanket approaching, and I\u2019m committed to myself to live a long and joyful life. I take an honest approach to suicide prevention within my community, and<\/span> my goal is to offer a realistic perspective of what your loved one may have been feeling during their struggles, or show someone dealing with their own ideation <\/span>that<\/span> it is possible to move forward and out of that lonely place. <\/span>That we as human beings are inherently resilient, and while life can be tough, we are tougher.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

One thing I have learned in my work with suicide prevention is that one single cause does not lead to the decision of suicide, but instead a combination of several different risk factors<\/a> joining together creating the perfect storm of hopelessness with a strong desire for the pain to stop. The more protective factors<\/a> you have in your tool belt, the better equipped you are to weather the storm. If you have lost a loved one to suicide, your experience is valid and also deserves some healing and support.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I truly believe that suicide prevention is a community effort and that we can all make a difference. Be observant, look for changes in the behaviors of those around you, be aware of the resources and supports available, and remove quick access to lethal means like firearms, knives, and medications. Ask for help, offer compassion and empathy in tough situations, and check-in with each other. Remember that everyone\u2019s healing journey is different, and there are various options for recovery that can be personalized for you <\/span>and\/or the people you love<\/span>. Open up and share, because you never know how your own story could help save another.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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